Grand Theft Potato
by Insanity under the moonlight
Summary: Matthew knows there are two kinds of night shifts at a grocery store. Or, "im a cashier and i saw you stuffing you pants full of potatoes and i would stop you but you already have 27 and i want to see how many you can fit"au.


I couldn't think of a title...I had way too much fun with this. For matthewbeilschmidt who asked for the prompt on Tumblr.

"im a cashier and i saw you stuffing you pants full of potatoes and i would stop you but you already have 27 and i want to see how many you can fit"au

You reblog some of the best prompts and I'm filling other ones too.

* * *

Amazing.

Twenty-seven potatoes and counting.

Matthew really should have stopped him the moment he stuffed in the first one, but business was so slow that it was a great form of entertainment. He just kept going with no signs of stopping…

The phone at his station rang.

"Hello?" Matthew answered.

" _You seeing this guy?"_ It was one of his co-workers Emil, four lanes down.

"How many do you think he can fit?" Ivan asked over his shoulder. He was supposed to be shelving returned goods but he ran out of products and wasn't looking for more work.

"I really don't know, I wouldn't have guessed more than ten if I didn't see it myself." Matthew muttered in disbelief. Those were some impressive cargo pants…if the albino walked though his checkout he had to ask where he got those.

" _I'm going to guess thirty-four; he still has his sweater pockets."_ Emil said confidently, but then added, _"Well he could fill the inside of his sweater…"_

Matthew shook his head. "No, it would make him look lumpy. Too obvious he's stealing – by the way are we going to stop him?"

" _Depends on how many potatoes he manages to fit in his clothes."_

"Thirty-two and still going." Ivan chimed into the phone.

"How many pockets does this guy have?" Matthew asked in disbelief.

They watched as he stuffed two more in his back pocket.

" _Damn, those are Russet potatoes too…"_

"He's starting to slow down, make your bets." Ivan pointed out. The man was holding three smaller potatoes as he was shifting things around in his pockets to make room.

"Hey where's Ned? I bet he'd want in on this." Matthew muttered absently.

"One second," Ivan said as he reached over to the closed lane next to him and used the phone.

" _Ned, come to register two. Ned, to register two. Please hurry."_ Was echoed throughout the empty store over the PA system.

" _Okay, I'm guessing forty-two."_ Emil said.

"What's the emergency?" Ned asked as he jogged towards them.

"Produce aisle, guy cramming potatoes down his pants. Bet's on how many he can fit, you in? He's already at thirty-five right now." Matthew explained as they all watched in fascination.

"...shouldn't we stop him?" Ned asked with no real concern. In fact, it sounded more like mild curiosity.

"… _do you want to touch crotch potatoes?"_

"I say we let him go if he has a good story," Suggested Ivan. "Besides, it's unsanitary to put back potatoes that have been in someone's pockets. They'll have to be thrown out, it would be a waste."

"I'm good with that- who's counting the potatoes?" Matthew suddenly remembered.

" _Shit, think he's keeping track?"_

"Look, he's done." Ned pointed out as the man started to awkwardly shuffle out. "Matt, go do it."

"Why me?" Matthew argued.

" _Because produce was your area last."_ Matthew turned to glare the smile off of Emil's face.

"He's almost out, go!" Ivan said urgently as he gave Matthew a shove.

Matthew sent them one last dirty look before he jogged over to the thief. "E-excuse me sir!"

The albino froze in place. "Ah, c-can I help you?" He said nervously.

"We saw you steal those potatoes sir."

"What potatoes?" The man said so casually that if Matthew didn't see it himself he could have believed him. Or at least until the man shifted his weight and a potato fell out of his pant leg, rolling across the floor innocently. He chuckled nervously at Matthew's amused expression.

The employees gathered at the register howled with laughter.

"Oh…that potato. You can have it, can I go?" He asked with a weak smile.

"Look…sir."

"Gilbert." He supplied.

"Look Gilbert, we're not going to arrest you or anything. Don't tell, but those cameras have been broken for years. In fact, if you have a good explanation for this, you're home free with the potatoes." Matthew explained with humor colouring his tone.

Gilbert sighed in relief. "Oh thank god. Well you see I'm not quite sure myself, maybe if you come over to my place we can get to the root of things."

Matthew burst out laughing. "Y-you're caught with your pants full of potatoes! And you waste the chance we give you…on- on a pickup line?"

"Yeah, I guess I am pota-toeing…the line." He joked again.

"Stop! You're terrible!"

Picking up the fallen potato, he said "Eye guess I see your point."

"Oh my god, only at one AM…" Matthew said fondly as he looked to the ceiling incredulously. "But seriously, what are you doing?"

"So the story is, my brother likes to call me a couch potato. This evening he even said 'I bet if I leave you in the dark long enough, you'll start sprouting roots.' So I got this idea when he said he wasn't coming home tonight,"

Judging by the look on Gilbert's face, this was going to be interesting.

"I was going to put a ton of potatoes under the couch cushion for him to find. Then I though, why not leave potatoes _everywhere._ Even in his desk drawers and under his pillow so I could say the potato fairy visited. Originally I was going to pay since your prices aren't bad but I forgot my wallet." Gilbert finished.

"Wha…christ!" Matthew managed to say before he bent over laughing again. "Get out of here." He said as he waved him away.

"Thanks!" Gilbert said with a grin.

"Do me a favour and come back tomorrow, same time." Matthew said happily as he straightened up and wiped away a tear.

"See ya' tater!" Gilbert said before he shuffled out the automatic doors.

* * *

I'm not sorry for the puns.

The pants are based off of my friend's who can fit about two full sized books in each pocket, they are impressive pants.


End file.
